Cat Haiku

To all you cat lovers...

You never feed me. Perhaps I'll sleep on your face. And that will show you. You must scratch me there! Yes, above my tail! Behold, Elevator butt. I need a new toy. Tail of a black dog keeps good time. Pounce! Good dog! Good dog! The rule for today. Touch my tail, I shred your hand. New rule tomorrow. In deep sleep hear sound Cat vomit hairball somewhere. Will find in morning. Grace personified I leap into the window I meant to do that. Blur of motion, then - Silence, me, a paper bag What is so funny? The mighty hunter Returns with gifts of plump birds Your foot just squashed one. You're always typing Well, let's see you ignore me Sitting on your hands. My small cardboard box You cannot see me if I Can just hide my head. Terrible battle I fought for hours. Come and see! What's a term paper? Kitty likes plastic Confuses for litter box Don't leave tarp around. Small brave carnivores Kill pine cones and mosquitos Fear vacuum cleaner Want to trim my claws? Don't even think about it! My yelps wake the dead. I want to be close to you. Can I fit my head inside your armpit? Wanna go outside. Oh, no! Help! I got outside! Let me back inside! Oh no! My Big One has been trapped by newspaper. Cat to the rescue. Humans are so strange. Mine lies still in bed, then screams! My claws aren't that sharp... Cats meow out of angst "Thumbs! If only we had thumbs! We could break so much." Litter box not here You moved it on me again I'll crap in the sink The Big Ones snore now Every room is dark and cold Time for "Cup Hockey" We're almost equals I purr to show I love you Want to smell my butt? And finally ... RULES FOR CATS > BATHROOMS - Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not > necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. > > DOORS - Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door > open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is > opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered > an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about > several things. This is particularly important during very cold > weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. > > CHAIRS AND RUGS - If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If > you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no > Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure > you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot. > > HAMPERING - If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and > the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," > otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for > hampering: > a. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the > cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being > stepped on and then picked up and comforted. > b. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and > book -- unless you can lie across the book itself. > c. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across > keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap > across arms, hampering typing in progress. > WALKING - As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible > in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have > something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in > the morning. This will help their coordination skills. > > BEDTIME - Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move > around. > > LITTER BOX - When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much > litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty > litter between their toes. > > HIDING - Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot > find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any > circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) > thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, > the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will > get a treat. > > ONE LAST THOUGHT - Whenever possible, get close to a human, > especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. > Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget the guests.   Click here to return to the front page   Click here to return to the Other Things page